**WARNING**

                         **Large wall of text ahead**

I hate always writing about negative things, but this is something that I did not expect to happen and I acknowledge that I am at fault as well for this situation.

I haven’t been in a relationship since I broke up with my ex and the last thing I asked from them was to “do better”.

Needless to say, they might only start to do that from yesterday, maybe not because in my twisted selfish desire to gain closure I have been on and off again friends with them and I got through to them how much pain they were and had put me through my life.

They actually stopped trying to be someone who was hiding being all the bullshit they were using over they years, their interpretation of neutral science, etc, reframing things and on and on.

And like I think I am coming to terms that I have a collection of neurodivergent conditions… maybe not conditions possibly traits that probably made the whole thing an absolute nightmare to experience on both sides when I try and explain the pain I am feeling from their actions and how they try to rationalise it and sort of sweep it under the rug of “self-improvement”.

They apologised sincerely for the right reason (and not a half-heart apology that didn’t really have any real deep meaning behind) for the what they put me through all this time and in the moment it was euphoric because it was the first time I got through to someone who hurt me to actually understand what they did to me.

That is in itself is selfish, I can own that, and I can acknowledge that my pain is self-inflicted that I was so attached to care and look for that validation from them.

I even encouraged them to not break up their relationship after they came to the realisation of their actions,

And in the interest of that, they had to cut me off again because my influence was too much for them and could be a point of friction as they would want to come back to me.

I insisted I do not want to be a point of friction in a relationship she is finding to be in a good place. That I will not be as bad as the people I have been telling them to not be and who have hurt me

And in the last message, I told them to “do better”

And now that I found peace with that specific pain and getting recognition for it - which was I believe a decade too late (with added issues added along the way),

I am stuck with even more conflicting emotions it is like a decades worth of build up is sort of moving forward. Like that whole thing was something stuck for a decade and only now is time moving forward again and I am feeling all this other emotions that I never gave myself time to feel before as I never had the chance to actually try find closure with any relationship.

I am ping-ponging between all these confusing emotions as I think I attached to them as an emotional pillar.

Because I am struggling with all this other traumas, it is like fighting new monsters with the existing monsters and it is this like a Jurrasic Park of dinosaurs in a replicating battle royale.

There is elements where I hate the fact that I loved them and was stubborn enough to stick with them to have them try and “get it”, that I was stuck for someone that was probably not worth it, there is the part I want the best for them and want them happy, there is a selfish part that feels like I want them and I can wait to sweep them off there feet, there is the part that knows that is stupid and I will just find pain again, but then there is a part where maybe I did change them for the better, but then again maybe not.

There is parts like why I am caring, they didn’t care when they were doing all those things that hurt you, things that you know they will never tell you that would probably hurt you even more - why the hell are you so concerned for them.

Like I invested in them and my selfish ego wants to claim the dividends - that is metaphor and not like claim they are mine more I helped them be a better person and possibly a better partner and I will not be able to see any of that or be a part of that.

Selfishly, It feels why did I waste my efforts for someone that never really appreciated what I tried to do.

Then there that evil voice that schemes that I could probably win them over, but then again would I be any better than the people they were trying to find meaning in.

Would I be any better?

And this can go on and on for who knows how many other permutations and variations of thought around this and it could just keep going.

It is all so conflicting and I don’t know if my ego is so fragile from all the trauma that I have constructive a narrative that this person will be a good fit for me or it is this delusional belief that I am so scared of being alone that I am gravitated towards someone that can feel love me in a life that I felt very devoid of that feeling and I needed peace to let them acknowledge that I did love them, I made mistakes and that I wanted them to acknowledge and actually understand the mistakes they are making as they keep making them.

And this against a backdrop where my prospects seem so bleak and when I try move forward I get gut punched - like I wanted to apply for a job, I did all the paperwork and just before applying I decided to look into the place I was applying to without the blinkers, I am guarded by from scammers and it gave the same vibes.

And now when I look at the the job boards I just see nothing I can do as I am not qualified(experience or qualification), not the target demographic, especially as I am getting on the older side of thing (not over the hill just yet, but in a bracket I know is close to undesirable)

I tried contacting a church based therapy place a friend provided before and that was also embarrassing as they seem more confused more than anything when I contacted them and I don’t even know what is happening there, I provided my number but not sure if they have to schedule something before something will happen there.

In regards to the suggestions that were given to me I am still in a very chaotic place physically (less appetite, sleep needs to still settle as is also chaotic and some other issues)

I did look at a few places, they are a bit far out of the way:

The regards to charity locations, they are quite a distance from me to walk. Similarly, clubs are even further away

The strongest contender that I can see having potential is a martial art that I do know someone from high school who I could ask about, but I would need some saving aside to afford that, even though they do have the first lesson free.

I lost a lot of passion for the blog I was doing for myself as I feel like I write there and all that is happening is A.I. is scrapping it and making money off my work that I was giving for free (indirectly). It feels like I writing into a whirlpool that just sucks everything up and there is nothing to really show for it.

I did have a chat with a friend and is someone that doesn’t engage when I lean into my mental state and I find that useful for me as it is like I am forced to re-calibrate from my current mindset to chat with them.

At least today with a chat I did thank them for letting me at least feel “normal” with what we were talking about (discussing their job and what they are doing) and that helped calm and distract me from the chaos for awhile

And I did contact another friend that has a very busy lifestyle, but thought to try reach out there as well.

It is frustrating I am trying to move forward, trying to be stronger for myself but there is like I have let myself get wrapped up in a tarpit and I can make some forward movement but it get kicked back with all this self talk that I also want something more with my life and it is always out of reach.