Researchers are ecstatic at the prospect that they may have finally discovered the region of space from which Ozzy Osbourne came to this planet.

In his defense, Elon both owns the platform and is a giant manbaby throwing a neverending tantrum at even the thought of rules applying to him.

Overthrow the tyrants that keep us in chains! Physically occupy residential property en masse and claim squatter’s rights. Bring back crucifixion for white collar criminals on Wall Street. Raid the pharmaceutical industry’s warehouses and distribute medication for free. In Minecraft, of course.

Nothing says pro-life like murdering a woman who’s trying to use an invasive and expensive medical procedure to conceive a child. That’ll teach women not to… want to have… children? AMERICA FIRST!

Don’t be a part of this domestic infighting. Join the Knights of Chik-fil-A on their Holy Crusade to destroy Chinese food at its very source.

Boeing: Amtrak of the Skies. We’ll probably get you there safely.

Did they even try using poop from an Ivermectin user? My roommate’s uncle’s fourth cousin made a poop knife out of his Ivermectin shits and killed 3 census workers with it. This is why no one trusts Big Science.

“Our company is invested in the dynamic strategy of using people to solve problems. Person Intelligence or PI, as we call it. We know our strategy is out of favor now, but given that it has worked consistently throughout all of human history, we are hopeful for the future.”

Behold the native Internet Tough Guy in his comfortable habitat. From his keyboard, he is a great warrior. His hypothetical contributions to the history of war are legendary.

And both guards fell asleep simultaneously. And no inmate had successfully committed suicide in that facility in over 20 years. And…

Story time: I went to an Iraq War protest back in the day. Some people wandered out of the protest zone and (to be completely fair, I didn’t see what started the altercation) got their asses beat by the cops. One brave kid stood out from the crowd and said, “Come on, guys! We have to help them!” We all looked at each other and were like, “Uh… no.” The brave lad then charged in and promptly got his ass beat by the cops. The war still happened.

US Lawmakers aren’t scrambling to do anything but take bribes and engage in insider trading.

Exactly. All the creepy shit Dukat did toward Kira was directed at the daughter of his sex slave. Dukat was such a fucked up villain on so many levels.

Makes perfect sense. Bill Gates puts Chinese 5G into third party printer ink. It’s used to activate the spikes in vaccinations.

You could start by paying your workers their fair value.

Silly us. We made a few wrong turns, and now here we are in Ukraine. I guess this place is as good as any to test all these shiny new weapons.

they will be deployed shortly afterwards by the police.

“You may have thought you heard me say I wanted a lot of racism in the new drones, but what I said was: Give me all the racism you have.”

Time to add “a new schism in the Catholic Church” to the end of days bingo card.

“Folks, I’ve been assimilated and put in charge of this wonderful, fantastic cube. We make the best cubes, okay? We do. The Borg will not apologize for our cubes, and we will not apologize for the assimilil… assimalat… the thing we do where we make you us. You’re going to love being us! We’re the best!”

The horn plays the Battle Hymn of the Republic.