i’m exhausted man.
tired of getting told i’m the problem with no explanation
i’ve been having trouble with my bestfriend .
We’re both guys, and he’s a bit homophobic (like won’t even sit in the same bed as a guy because it’s “gay” homophobic) which is why i’m having a hard time processing this. (Only when he got a girlfriend was he semi-okay with sitting on a bed with me. His direct quote “it’s still pretty gay but i have a girlfriend now so i’ll allow it)
I do want to say that I am a big advocate for male friends to show eachother physical affection, and i’m no stranger to that at all.
We’ve had an extremely deep emotional bond. He was my very bestfriend in the world and I his. One night I had a mental breakdown of sorts, and his way of calming me down was repeatedly rubbing my back, pulling me down to cuddle (with him in his back and me on top of him with my head on his chest. which i rejected after a few seconds of shock) lots of hugging and pressing his fingers into the of my arms back of my arms repeatedly.
A few days before this I was having a hard time in school (which was the reason for the mental breakdown) and left our hangout early. he asked what was wrong and then proceeded to ask if i was into him to which i said no, and he responded that he was just joking to lighten the mood. Later on his reasoning was that he didn’t mean it, but he knew i had a hard time saying things important (which is true) so he was just guessing
Now usually I wouldn’t think twice about this. but it was around the same time that i found out that he sexts men online regularly and watches gay porn regularly. He admitted shame, depression and disappointment overt this. If a girl did this to me i’d most definitely take it as a sign, but I also was having a bit of a breakdown, so i’m not sure how to look at this? i’m genuinely lost and confused and more hurt than i like to admit.
(after the night he distanced from me and blamed it on my breakdown) :/ right after my breakdown he went to pursue a girl romantically who had a crush on him for a long time, but he had always refused to date her one of the reasons being her body proportions are off (among 20 other reasons he said some pretty gross things about her.)
i talked to him yesterday. Where he looked me in the eyes told me he isn’t gay and isn’t into me and that he loves his girlfriend. and no had no solid answer as to why he broke our friendship off. Just “i’m a horrible friend to you i’m so sorry”.
We got to talking a little less serious in between the serious conversations and i mentioned that im leaving for a week driving 11 hours to go see all my family. (sometimes i get bad anxiety driving home which is a 3 hour drive he’s offered multiple times to drive me home too. declined all of those)He asked me to my face if i wanted him to drive me there. He was being dead serious.
I don’t know what he wants from me and i’m exhausted. he won’t explain why im so impossible to be works and im exhausted.
At the end got Told it’s too much to hangout with me and made a bunch of other accusations and reasons
Your friend is gay and he’s not okay with it.
SO GAY. And missing out apparently. He could be having the time of his life if he just accepted it.
Well… The way you’re telling it, I’d say it sounds like your friend has romantic and/or sexual feelings for you, but he is also homophobic and self-hating to the point where he simply can’t accept it. He may also be afraid of the judgement of others, like his family, for instance.
He probably feels that by pushing you out of his life and hooking up with the most available woman (a “beard” if you will…) he can make those feelings go away and live a “normal” hetero lifestyle. This type of binge and purge cycle is a common expression of shame, at least amongst the kinky communities that I am part of. 😂
I don’t think you did anything wrong, or at least you haven’t told us. You never really mentioned how you feel about them!
Op, you’re not the problem here. Your friend most likely cannot accept himself and you and his girlfriend are casualties in it. What you can do is be honest with him that his behavior hurts you. Maybe once he realizes his actions have an impact on you, he’ll be a better friend to you. Other than that, I think he needs a friend too, but if he’ll keep on doing allat then you need to be harsh with him, as tough as it is.
I don’t really understand the whole situation. Are you interested in him romantically or not? It sounds like he’s gay or bi and doesn’t want to accept that. If you’re into him, I’d say make a move. Tell him. If not, let him know that you’re there for him, no matter what. He might also be gay and not into you. Make him feel as comfortable as possible in his own skin, let him know it’s fine and you’re still his friend. I don’t think you did anything wrong. There is not much more you can do.
Nobody can help you with this. Your friend has to come to terms with who they are. Theres obviously parts of them they resent for whatever reason. But you can’t force them to examine those parts.
i was more looking for what i did wrong. because i don’t feel like id do anything bad, but he treats me like im the plague now.
You just held up a mirror to your friend and he didn’t like what he saw. That’s all.
If you want an actual improvement item it would be this: Do some introspection on better communication methods. Think about what you want to get out of conversations; the risk/reward of certain topics, picking battles, realizing that not everyone should know everything. But it’s just a suggestion. You seem pretty alright for where you are in life.
I just don’t really get it. He opened up about it one random day because he was feeling guilty and horrible about himself. Told me i’m the only one of his friends who would be understanding and accepting. He gave me the mirror. So why treat me terribly after that.
he just probably can’t accept the reality of it, and he feels even more ashamed that he not only watches gay porn but he likes you. instead of accepting it, and learning he doesn’t need to feel shame, he goes for denial and pushes you away, so that he is not reminded of him being gay.
I wonder if he can stop watching gay porn.
Curious about the last sentence you put. Was it rhetorical ?
Because if it isn’t my answer is, even with the girlfriend he still watches gay porn and cries about it. This is soemthing he told me when i ran into him and he was crying. He had just got done watching it.
I wouldnt say you did anything wrong. But it does seem like that relationship you both had struck a chord that he couldn’t bare to listen to. I am not a therapist tho, just a fellow fucked up individual so this could be a wrong interpretation. What I got out of it though was the distance was to get away from his gay feelings, but again I could be wrong.
yea, was kind of hoping this wasn’t the case so there could be a chance at reconciliation, but if this is the case, I can understand why he feels the need to stay away.
From what I can see, you haven’t done anything wrong. Your friend is the one who is all over the place. So try not to be hard on yourself.
Don’t feel guilty for something someone else has going on. You did nothing wrong. It’s not fair and you may have lost a friendship, but it’s nothing you did…or could have done.
When this happens, just chill out. Stay in your lane. Let people do what they do. They will come back or they won’t. Whatever. Just keep doing you. Don’t worry about it.
probably good advice, but tricky when you don’t have other friends
